


Love Me Lightly

by noceur



Category: GOT7
Genre: Heavy Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-27
Updated: 2016-01-27
Packaged: 2018-05-15 04:45:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,537
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5771818
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/noceur/pseuds/noceur
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>to give up love for their dreams is one pain, to stop loving is another.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Love Me Lightly

**Author's Note:**

> for amelioratedays, my emo 媽媽 bean.
> 
> [lj](http://sleepydaydreams.livejournal.com/14724) link.

this love he holds for jinyoung, he isn't sure how long it'll last. the soft flames of that love lick burns into his heart and surely something entirely metaphorical shouldn't physically hurt but he finds himself placing a palm over where his heart should be. when jaebum thinks about it, he guesses it's like—metaphorically—having phantom pain. his heart's not there anymore.

( _fuck_ , he thinks, laughing to himself and ignoring the hot tears in his eyes. _why did i give_ _it away?_ )

jaebum never lets his hand linger for too long around jinyoung's nape and during the rare moments that such skinship does happen between them, jaebum also pretends he doesn't feel jinyoung leaning into the touch. there's a delicate balance between them and their feelings. the smallest touch that lingers for a second too long could tip the scale and everything they—all seven of them—have built and jaebum would rather his heart break than their dreams shatter like that.

nevertheless, it's easier said than done.

because he stays up at night sometimes, wondering what it'd be like to hold jinyoung in his arms for the rest of his life or to kiss him until they both run out of breath. those nights are slowly happening less often and jaebum doesn't know whether to feel happy or sad anymore. maybe, just maybe, his love will lessen over time and simmer down to a past memory, something to simply be reminiscent over than to feel its constant grip around his emotions.

but for now, he does know that his entire body still wants to navigate towards jinyoung naturally, like there's some sort of attracting, magnetic force between them. all jinyoung has to do is glance at him from the side and jaebum has to fight himself from turning his head round quickly and catching jinyoung's eyes.

(sometimes he wins, sometimes he loses. or all the time. he isn't sure. never has been.)

the moments he finds hardest aren't the ones where he's by himself, alone with his thoughts. it's the ones where jinyoung smiles at him from across the stage in reassurance, that sacrificing their love was the right decision and it'll be fine. everything will be fine. if jaebum notices that the crinkles at the eyes barely fold like they do when jinyoung's truly happy or jinyoung's smile slips once jaebum smiles back and looks away, he doesn't say anything.

(once, when jaebum had gotten up the earliest and had to wake the other members up, he'd walked into jinyoung's room last. if it was because he'd known that the dark circles under jinyoung's eyes had become worse, he didn't let it show. but, part of his resolve managed to crumble down when jinyoung got up to get ready thinking he was late, accidentally moving his pillow and rushing past jaebum quickly. underneath the pillow, there'd been a photo of them on their debut... their _first_ debut and jaebum felt his breath get stuck.

he'd torn his gaze away instead of tearing the picture.

it didn't—still doesn't matter. it shouldn't matter.

he found it folded with barely burnt edges in the rubbish bin the next morning anyways.)

 

* * *

 

  _jinyoungjinyoungjinyoung._

no matter how many times jaebum whispers it, says it, shouts it, he never tires of the name or any of it's variations. jinyoungie or jinyoung-ah or even jirongie, he wants to repeat it over and over again. a comforting thought that even if he can't have jinyoung, he's still close enough that jaebum can say his name and jinyoung will turn around with a "yes hyung?" and those brown eyes that seem to somehow look _up_ to him than _at_ him. even after all these years.

"get some rest."

jinyoung's eyes soften.

"don't worry too much. i'm here."

jaebum realises jinyoung's changed a lot, he really does. the jinyoung during their jj project days has been buried beneath some of the burden that he's took on from jaebum's shoulders. more quiet, more careful, more observant. he thinks about how jinyoung used to be louder and carefree, just wanting to fulfill his dream and be happy.

(it doesn't matter. jaebum has always loved him.)

 

* * *

 

"love," jaebum drunkenly declares to himself one night, when the others aren't there and he doesn't have to be the leader, "is nothing important." he raises his bottle of soju as it to congratulate himself, some sort of faux consolation for his aching heart. as if alcohol would leave the pain he feels behind, he chugs directly from the bottle and ignores the fire down his throat. he wants to scream.

"im jaebum," jaebum whispers to himself later on, clutching the empty bottle to his chest as he curls into himself on his bed, voice hoarse from sobbing and drinking, another stray tear falling down his cracked smile, "is a liar."

and like a liar, he falls asleep telling himself that he hadn't heard the front door open when he was still drinking, hadn't heard halted footsteps when he started shouting, hadn't heard someone slam a bedroom door after he broke down.

he tells himself that the muffled crying he hears from the other side of the wall is an echo of his own, even when his tears have dried but the sobs haven't stopped.

jaebum wakes up feeling hungover to death, blinking tiredly to see two slightly smaller hands clutch onto his left hand. he follows the sight and finds it's jinyoung (it'll always be jinyoung) who's asleep sitting on the floor, head resting on the empty space of the mattress near jaebum's torso. _can he hear my heart?_ , jaebum wonders lifting his free hand to stroke soft, brown locks with trembling fingers. but he remembers and the calm before the storm passes. he feels his chest tighten more and more until he's breathing out choked sobs, hand rushing away from jinyoung like he'd been pricked. squeezing his eyes shut, jaebum closes his hand over his mouth, trying to smother his anguished cries.

he feels jinyoung's hands tighten around his ever so slightly, ever so tenderly and jaebum wants to throw away everything but jinyoung and run away to somewhere where they don't have to suffocate their love.

but jaebum doesn't, and jinyoung wouldn't.

(so they lay there, a moment stuck in time where the only existing link between them become their hands and the invisble threads of their souls that were once entangled but now barely hang onto each other.)

 

* * *

 

"treat my heart lightly, hyung."

jinyoung is sitting on the opposite end of their somewhat small sofa and yet jaebum still feels he's so far from jaebum's reach—but it's not like he can reach out anyways. much like the imagined distance between them, the words take a while to reach to jaebum properly but the weight hits him nonetheless.

"i shouldn't have it anymore." jaebum replies, eyes stuck on the look jinyoung gives back. a sad smile, quiet edges that jaebum wants kiss until they give away to brighter lines.

"why do i still have yours then?" jinyoung hides the statement under the veil of a question but it's there, clear as day.

_you still love me._

"it's not fair for one person to have nothing." jaebum doesn't want to think about this, doesn't want to remember that he can't love jinyoung.

"funny, it feels like we both have nothing."

jinyoung has a sharp tongue when it counts and no matter how many times jaebum tries to numb himself, it still hurts. he isn't in the mood to feel his temper flare so he sits in silence instead, head leaning back to stare at the blank ceiling and feeling jinyoung's gaze on him.

"i... i have to go practice the script for my movie now." jinyoung stands up and tries to go past jaebum but a weak grip on the hem of his t-shirt stops him.

"take care of mine too. lightly, lightly." jaebum half-jokes, patting his chest, right above his beating heart. jinyoung's eyes might have started to water but he turns his head away before jaebum can see.

"that's mine, you know." jinyoung whispers, head still turned away and jaebum's grip on his t-shirt getting weaker.

he eventually releases his hold to get up, turning jinyoung around and wiping away the tears running down his face. jaebum pats jinyoung's chest gently, the beat of a heart underneath his palm and he feels so close, so close he never wants to go far away from this feeling again.

"is this mine, then?" jaebum asks, resting his hand.

"do you have to ask?" the younger retorts and jaebum chuckles weakly.

"take care of it."

"i'll try." it's a broken whisper; one that's been said before.

"lightly, jinyoung-ah." with those words, jaebum removes his hand, ignores the twitch of jinyoung's fingers that are barely stopped from holding onto jaebum and drops back down on the sofa, closing his eyes. he hears jinyoung walk away, hushed words drifting along the fixed air. a door clicks shut quietly.

_i can't promise that._

"that makes two of us."

 

* * *

 

the love jinyoung holds for him, jaebum isn't sure how long that'll last either.

(it doesn't matter. jinyoung will always have his heart regardless.)

 


End file.
